Self-Awareness: LOVE

Love makes the world go around. We all want it.  We all need it.  We can try to live without it but can we live a healthy life without some form of love?   I’m not talking about loving animals as a substitute for human love. That’s a whole other subject.  I’m talking about human love as a feeling of validation, affection and communication with another being.  I’m talking about touchy, feely, kissy-face love, holding hands, sharing common ideas and interests, sexual love and knowing that you are part of a whole, part of another person’s heart.

Author Jon Katz says to never give up on love. But I have.  Darn if I was going to let myself open to someone else who had an ulterior motive, someone who never revealed his true thoughts and goals and feelings, who hid behind words with no substance, who made fun of my hobbies and interests.

Chasing love means possibly opening yourself to rejection, harsh words, sometimes physical and/or mental pain. Sometimes we stay with someone because having a living breathing person nearby is better than being alone.  Until you reach the breaking point and realize there must be a better life for yourself and you run far, far away.  You may stay damaged and assume you’ll never again have real love.  In my case I had to stop and learn self love.  If I hate myself I can never be open to loving another person.

For a long time I assumed that I was too “fill-in-the-blank” bad to fall in love again: too short, not a size 5, too ugly, too old and on and on.  But at some point on life’s journey I discovered that I am having fun, alone, by myself.  I am getting along day to day without a man.

The funny thing is that whenever a male comes into my home, whether it’s a plumber, electrician, landscaper, etc. he always looks at me and immediately announces that he is married. So my guess is that I look desperate?  Inside I laugh to think that men assume that any single woman is hot for them.  That’s where men and women are so different.  Most men assume that they are a catch.  They must have such strong feelings of self-worth and grandeur that it never seems to cross their mind that any woman is not attracted to them.  My sarcastic mind goes into overdrive but I never say a word.

This year for some reason I have felt that I’m ready for love, open for a relationship with a man who is self-confident, an animal lover, someone open to new adventures in life. There are so many men who are looking for a mommy, a nurse, or a woman they can boss around.  That is not me.  My dad let me know that no man would have me because I am too independent.  So I’m assuming therefore that many of us single, happy women with a brain are threatening to single men?

The reality is probably just the opposite.  Everyone is looking for beauty in their life.  A beautiful woman is an asset to a man.  However, how often do men or woman take the time to see the inner beauty of a person?  We all want instant gratification and grab what we see before learning more.  True love takes time.  My guess is that men do not see me as being worthy of their love because I am so plain looking while ignoring the inner me.  That’s not a poor-me statement, it’s an observation.

I’m not desperate or needy. If love is not in the cards for me then I can accept that.  I’m having fun and my animals do keep me busy.  We never know what is around the corner in life but sometimes the universe responds if we are patient.  The answer may be not what I want but what I need.  Until then I’m enjoying life, exploring new things on my own and hoping that one day I’ll look a man in the eye and know that he is The One.  Or not.  Which is what is so great about life and love.  We never know what is around the corner.

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