There you rest
In a quiet New England town,
Your grave surrounded by trees with multi-colored leaves.
Not quite the Colorado mountains
That you loved,
But enveloped in a woodsy setting nonetheless.
Now you sleep,
Teasing the angels
With your love of trivia,
Or maybe you’re running endless math equations,
Or rafting in heavenly streams.
I’m here to see you
One last time.
To lay a tear or two on your grave,
And say no regrets.
I came to say good-bye, my love
And then I’ll say no more.
I wonder if he ever realized his part in our final tortured days together. Did he know my anger over his inability to say three words: “I love you”, or the endless evenings when he came home at midnight with stories about a woman at work who he said slept with everyone. Everyone, I thought? Everyone would include him but he never said. And I too timid (then) to demand he curb his twelve hours work days. I who hated the slut at his workplace that I fortunately never met (but I still remember her name).
Did he care or even know that my passions and feelings were denied? He in turn hated my dogs and their competitions. In a twist of fate decades later he bought a house a mere twenty minutes from one of the biggest dog training facilities in the country. I wonder if he knew about the place and if it was a constant reminder of me, a thorn in his side.
Now it’s time to let go of the man I loved and hated and later missed, time to say a final good-bye and leave him to lay in his grave, leave him in my past.
I turned my rental car north from the gravesite to American K9 Country in Amherst, New Hampshire. I wanted to be with my people, dog people, those who understand my language, and to hug their dogs. Dogs who give me the unconditional love I deserve.