First Love

john wedding

This morning I woke up in the arms of my husband, my first love. Unfortunately it was only a dream. In the dream he had left me alone in a busy building and I was walking around and around, getting more and more frustrated that he took off without me. Then at the back of what looked like a conference hall I saw an open door and stepped through it. There he was, on the floor, covered with a dark blanket. His thick brown hair was visible but his pale face was almost covered by the blanket. He appeared to be in poor health. I slipped down to the floor next to him and held him in my arms. We briefly talked and I kissed his forehead. But then I woke up. Alone. Sadly it wasn’t real but I felt happy.  The man I loved so deeply and I were able to share one more moment together.

He’s in Heaven now, taken too young as the result of a poor diet, a lifetime smoking habit and long hours sitting at a desk job that he loved but that consumed his life. It’s a shame he’s not alive and that angers me even if we were apart for many decades. I remember when I heard about his death I was shocked that our paths would never cross again. How dare he leave me again?

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A woman never forgets her first love, the electric feeling of overwhelming satisfaction, a joining of two hearts. Even if separated later in life the sweet memory of a first love can never be broken or forgotten.

But why did he appear in my dream last night? My mother, who had advanced Alzheimer’s, told me she saw her mother every day and had long conversations with her. Mom would angrily come up to me over and over and yell, “Where is my mother? I just spoke to her! Where is she?” Do we see people in Heaven when our time to die is near? I hope we do. I hope we have a celestial hand to guide us. On the other hand I’m tied to this world for now with people to see and places to go. My time is not up.

We live our life and sometimes suffer consequences for our decisions. There is no turning back. But like the moment in my dream, I’d like one more hug, one more kiss, one more, “I love you”, from the only man who has held my heart. At least he can still come to me in my dreams.

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